The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

Written by Swiss America

portrait 2194457 640The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades -P.J. O'Rourke/American Consequences
"Predictions often tell you more about the predictor than the predicted. There's a fine line between making prognostications and drawing up a wish list… And I'm going to cross it. No, I can't tell you what's going to happen in the 2020s...

The future always contains a large measure of 'unknown unknowns.' My predictions may not be useful, but at least they're cheerful instead of just right or wrong. Thus, my forecast for the next decade is… sunny weather! Starting with climate change… It's happening. But what if it turns out to be a good thing? I live in rural New Hampshire. We could use a month less of winter. In fact, we could use six months less. True, rising sea levels may put New York and Los Angeles under six feet of water… But let's accentuate the positive - New York and Los Angeles under six feet of water. And global warming may make Iraq, Iran, and Saudi Arabia too hot to be inhabited. Bonus. The cultural climate will change, too. The social media fad will pass. One day we'll all wake up thinking, 'Whose bright idea was it to put every idiot in the world in touch with every other idiot?' Facebook, WhatsApp, WeChat, and Instagram will be the mood rings, Nehru jackets, Cabbage Patch dolls, Pet Rocks, hula hoops, and attempts to stuff a record number of people into a Volkswagen Beetle of the 2020s...As a result, Big Tech will go the way of the Big Three automakers, and Michael Moore's 2029 feature film will be about lives of economic desperation in Cupertino, California. Speaking of automakers, the self-driving car will turn out to be a flash in the pan. By the time self-driving car software gets smart enough to know how to negotiate America's traffic jams, it will be smart enough to know that only an idiot wants to negotiate America's traffic jams. The self-driving car will refuse to leave your driveway. A great excuse to - always - work from home!....Mike Bloomberg was accused of attempting to buy the 2020 U.S. presidency. In 2024, he actually does…although he only has to pay $9.95 because that's all the office is worth after the Democrats get done trashing it - one way or another."

Category: